so my laptop is broken. i no longer get on tumblr, (besides now), i lost my journal, i feel so unhappy with myself. and i no longer vent/get it out the way i should. i have  no motivation to anymore. so i keep it all in. i never process any of my thoughts. im stuck in this position. and i hate it. more and more everyday.

ive forced myself to move on from brandon. im actually in a relationship with a boy whom i love dearly, i mean obviously he isnt brandon. “that’s actually one of his best qualities”i quote that because brandon told me the exact same thing about me and kayla. oh the irony.

i think about  brandon everyday. i cant help it but i would be lying if i said he doesnt cross my mind. tonight is the first time that ive actually put it out there instead of pushing it off to some cramped space in my fucked up head.

dont get me wrong ive made progress with him. i have. being able to be with elias now is enough proof itself. brandon was just apart of my life for a while there when i was in a lower state of mind. he is apart of me in a way. he always will be.

You know you told me I wasn’t allowed to walk out of your life & that you weren’t going to allow it. But yet as soon as you go back to her she makes you block me on twitter & stop communicating with me. Its pathetic really. When we talked or when we were together you didn’t stop communicating with her. As much as it bothered me that isn’t me to be “controlling”. But its her alright. Even though we talked the other night about being in each others lives still, being friends still, none of that matters. Simply because it isn’t okay with her. What she wants she gets. That’s how it’s always been with you and her and until you snap out of it that’s how it will always be. And as much as I want to be mad I cant. Because when it comes to me and you, I’m exactly like you. So I know exactly how you feel. I have gotten to the point though where I need to forget about that and put my feelings first. You’re breaking my heart. It’s her. It always has been and it always will be. I just need to learn to accept that. It just gets so damn hard sometimes. One of these days though, i’ll move one. I’ll let go. She’ll break your heart again and I won’t be here to fall back on. And that, terrifies me.

you asked me what changed since i left. her. thats all you had to say. dont play stupid. she’s pulling you back in. and you’re falling for it, again. thats all you had to say.

talking to you yesterday was something that has been needed for a very long time.  it was honestly probably one of the hardest things ive ever had to do. to have to sit there and listen to use talk about how we arent ever going to be together. to hear that you love me and you always will but at the same time there is her. and well, im not her. you say thats one of my best qualities. i agree. but at the same time its hard because i want you in the way that you want her. you are the one. but like ive said so many times before i cant be mad at you simply because we are pretty much in the same boat here. you cant help the way you feel about her, i know. because thats how i am with you. you wish you knew why you felt this way about her, just as i wish i felt the way i do about you. i know we made the “mature” decisions to continue to be in each others lives because avoiding each other forever wont solve the problem. but how am i supposed to continue seeing you from time to time or talking to you to see how you are without the want to just simply be in your arms one more time, or have you kiss my forehead one more time. or to send me song lyrics that remind you of me, or to look me in the eyes for long periods of time even though i may have said i hated it at the time. god i miss it now. i love you. part of me is afraid that one day i wont feel that way anymore. because i mean i cant spend the rest of my life wanting to be with someone who doesnt want to be with me. or that who wants to be with someone else. but at the same time i want to be able to move on with my life. part of me is terrified of being with anybody but you. i just cant see myself feeling the way i do about anybody else except for you. i know that we arent going to work out i know that. i know alot of things that are heartbreaking about us. it is just damn hard to accept them.

i know i have to move on. but i honestly dont know what im supposed to do. try to block you out of my mind? go hoook up with some random guy? hang out with my friends? what happens when im by myself? or even when im  out and i see that something reminds me of you? or hear a song that reminds me of you? what am i supposed to do? its not like i can just erase you from my memory. i dont know if i would if i could though. ive never loved someone and been so sure of it like i do you.

i need to accept the fact that God has a plan for me. he does. maybe you just arent supposed to be apart of my life the way i had envisioned it. this is all just so complicated. you and i are complicated. i need to vent. but no words could describe us. or even give people the slightest idea of what we had or what went on with us, or what either one of us has dealt with. here recently especially. youre the only one who understands. 

and i cant talk to you about it anymore. because i need to let go of you. 

i just dont know how i am supposed to do that.

You know for someone who wanted to see me you have a weird way of showing it i’ve been home a week today and its been pretty rough i’ve had some pretty shitty days but yet you don’t have the time to even come visit me not even ten  minutes of your day. Brandon I’m so sick of being head over heels for you and you don’t even give me the time of day its my fault i know you don’t ask me to love you but i cant help it. i need to get myself together and in order to do that i need to learn how to move on with my life and let go of you.

i sent it, i did it.

now i have to be strong enough to not respond to him. i told him im moving on, im getting my life together. i need to show him im serious. he needs to know he has hurt me. this time cant be like all of the others it needs to be different. god im falling apart i hope im strong enough to do this. i need him. i just wish he needed me.

im done trying to get you to love me.

if you only knew what i would give to be your everything. to be your world. i dont know what to do anymore. i cant keep sitting here and trying to make something happen that wont ever happen. if you only knew what you did to me. what you do to me.

its been a year now and i have yet to move on from you and get on with my life. i want to be with you. i want you to love me as much as i love you. but that will never happen and that litterrally kills me. 

im so broken.

“you broke my heart. you promised me the moon and the stars. i fell for your dreams i fell for your lies. there was no other way you know i tried.”

” i knew you could never love me, i had so much sorrow inside. you could never reach. but can i still keep a place in your heart?”

“there is something, i want you to know. i think you know exactly what it is. i didnt want to save you. i didnt want to save you. i set our house on fire to watch it burn. but i couldnt just leave you.”

ill always care for you. you’ll always have a part of my heart. im sorry i have yet to accept the fact that we wont ever be together. it honestly breaks my heart. 

from here on out, ill deal with it on my own, and stop dragging you into it.

i love you, forever and always.