why cant i ever understand my own? im constantly lost, my mind is literally driving me insane. i just wish i could go back to the way things were. it was just me, by myself. i was small then. now im constantly bothered and well im not small anymore. im just so sick of being sick of myself, of being disgusted with myself.

its a never ending battle with myself. i honestly dont know if ill ever fully accept myself. not only am i sick with my appearance but my descisions, my thoughts, my feelings. im such an awful person. i cant seem to move on from the one i want to be with the most. and the one who feels that way for me, im trying to work on things with because i know its best for me. i know i need someone who willll support me like him. and i care about him i really do. its just so hard because i feel like sometimes he doesnt understand. hell nobody does. it just isnt fair to him, ive tried to tell him that over and over and over again. but he doesnt care.

of course when i was having a really hard time last night the first person i go to is the one who doesnt even want to be with me rather then the one who would give anything to be apart of my life in any way shape or form. 

internally im struggling with acceptance. externally im struggling with relationships between the people in my life and myself. 

my life is a mess. my thoughts are so fucked up right now. i dont know how to deal with this anymore. i feel as if im just barely making it through the days while staying sane. im trying to convince myself of something that isnt true, 

that im getting better.

because im not.

im done trying to get you to love me.

if you only knew what i would give to be your everything. to be your world. i dont know what to do anymore. i cant keep sitting here and trying to make something happen that wont ever happen. if you only knew what you did to me. what you do to me.

its been a year now and i have yet to move on from you and get on with my life. i want to be with you. i want you to love me as much as i love you. but that will never happen and that litterrally kills me. 

im so broken.

“you broke my heart. you promised me the moon and the stars. i fell for your dreams i fell for your lies. there was no other way you know i tried.”

” i knew you could never love me, i had so much sorrow inside. you could never reach. but can i still keep a place in your heart?”

“there is something, i want you to know. i think you know exactly what it is. i didnt want to save you. i didnt want to save you. i set our house on fire to watch it burn. but i couldnt just leave you.”

ill always care for you. you’ll always have a part of my heart. im sorry i have yet to accept the fact that we wont ever be together. it honestly breaks my heart. 

from here on out, ill deal with it on my own, and stop dragging you into it.

i love you, forever and always.