so my laptop is broken. i no longer get on tumblr, (besides now), i lost my journal, i feel so unhappy with myself. and i no longer vent/get it out the way i should. i have  no motivation to anymore. so i keep it all in. i never process any of my thoughts. im stuck in this position. and i hate it. more and more everyday.

ive forced myself to move on from brandon. im actually in a relationship with a boy whom i love dearly, i mean obviously he isnt brandon. “that’s actually one of his best qualities”i quote that because brandon told me the exact same thing about me and kayla. oh the irony.

i think about  brandon everyday. i cant help it but i would be lying if i said he doesnt cross my mind. tonight is the first time that ive actually put it out there instead of pushing it off to some cramped space in my fucked up head.

dont get me wrong ive made progress with him. i have. being able to be with elias now is enough proof itself. brandon was just apart of my life for a while there when i was in a lower state of mind. he is apart of me in a way. he always will be.

why cant i ever understand my own? im constantly lost, my mind is literally driving me insane. i just wish i could go back to the way things were. it was just me, by myself. i was small then. now im constantly bothered and well im not small anymore. im just so sick of being sick of myself, of being disgusted with myself.

its a never ending battle with myself. i honestly dont know if ill ever fully accept myself. not only am i sick with my appearance but my descisions, my thoughts, my feelings. im such an awful person. i cant seem to move on from the one i want to be with the most. and the one who feels that way for me, im trying to work on things with because i know its best for me. i know i need someone who willll support me like him. and i care about him i really do. its just so hard because i feel like sometimes he doesnt understand. hell nobody does. it just isnt fair to him, ive tried to tell him that over and over and over again. but he doesnt care.

of course when i was having a really hard time last night the first person i go to is the one who doesnt even want to be with me rather then the one who would give anything to be apart of my life in any way shape or form. 

internally im struggling with acceptance. externally im struggling with relationships between the people in my life and myself. 

my life is a mess. my thoughts are so fucked up right now. i dont know how to deal with this anymore. i feel as if im just barely making it through the days while staying sane. im trying to convince myself of something that isnt true, 

that im getting better.

because im not.

You know you told me I wasn’t allowed to walk out of your life & that you weren’t going to allow it. But yet as soon as you go back to her she makes you block me on twitter & stop communicating with me. Its pathetic really. When we talked or when we were together you didn’t stop communicating with her. As much as it bothered me that isn’t me to be “controlling”. But its her alright. Even though we talked the other night about being in each others lives still, being friends still, none of that matters. Simply because it isn’t okay with her. What she wants she gets. That’s how it’s always been with you and her and until you snap out of it that’s how it will always be. And as much as I want to be mad I cant. Because when it comes to me and you, I’m exactly like you. So I know exactly how you feel. I have gotten to the point though where I need to forget about that and put my feelings first. You’re breaking my heart. It’s her. It always has been and it always will be. I just need to learn to accept that. It just gets so damn hard sometimes. One of these days though, i’ll move one. I’ll let go. She’ll break your heart again and I won’t be here to fall back on. And that, terrifies me.

motivation.

its something that i just dont seem to have anymore. i have school work to catch up on and it just isnt happening.

i dont seem to want to do anything other then sit here, cry, and listen to music.

life is oh so grand.

you asked me what changed since i left. her. thats all you had to say. dont play stupid. she’s pulling you back in. and you’re falling for it, again. thats all you had to say.